“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players” -Shakespeare, 1623

It’s interesting to think that the study of self-presentation—or the many ways we attempt to influence how others see us—far pre-dates the emergence of social media. Avoiding social disapproval and gaining social credits is a fundamental aspect of human relating and has been the subject of formal inquiry since at least the 1930s.

With the advent of social media, however, managing the impressions that others form of us has moved from social necessity to hourly-obsession. Impression management can now be done anywhere with an imagined audience of hundreds or thousands of friends, acquaintances, and strangers.

While categorizing humans usually leads to over-simplification, in the 1980s Jones & Pittman provided a very interesting typology to describe the various strategies we may employ. They describe ingratiation, in which we draw attention to our positive characteristics/motives/or intentions. Self-promotion, seeking to impress others with our intelligence, athleticism, or attractiveness. Exemplifying, seeking to be admired for our moral superiority. Intimidation, convincing others we are dangerous in order to make them uncomfortable and gain power. And supplication, typically a last resort in which we emphasize dependence/weakness in order to obtain support. Self-promotion seems to be the “coin of the realm” of our social media lives; hoping that the pictures or accomplishments we post of ourselves will leave others to extrapolate our accomplishments or attractiveness.

There are of course good reasons we engage in these strategies. Social capital is fundamental to human survival and rejection is toxic to our health. Indeed, all of the social emotions (e.g. guilt, embarrassment, and shame) are in place before our 2nd birthday. Too little self-monitoring and we come off as rude, inconsiderate, or self-indulgent and face potential rejection. On the other hand, too much impression management and we become self-conscious, rigid, and judgmental. What’s worse, we can start to “impression manage” even our loved ones, judging them for behaviors we feel are not in-keeping with the image we seek to attain.

It is extremely difficult to give up on acting in today’s world. It is difficult sometimes to even recognize that we are acting at all. If, however, we frequently compare ourselves to others, obsess about our physical or social media image to manage negatively feelings, frequently criticize ourselves or loved ones, or experience high levels of self-doubt and social anxiety, it is likely we are at the far end of impression management.

The most helpful thing we can do is begin to challenge the notion that we must work so hard to be accepted by others. This requires a great deal of vulnerability as we dip precisely into the feelings we regularly avoid (feeling inferior, unworthy, etc.) through impression-management. Indeed, in my previous work with medical students, the thing that has most quickly bonded these high-achieving persons, ironically, were universal feelings of inadequacy. How joyous, freeing, and connecting it can be to learn that there is nothing we must do and no character we must portray to be deserving of the affection of others.