Interracial/Intercultural relationships
It is hard to believe that interracial marriages were illegal just a few decades ago — it was only recently in 1967 that the Supreme Court finally legalized interracial marriage, and rates of interracial marriage have been increasing since then. While there is so much opportunity for growth and learning in interracial and intercultural relationships, there are times where these couples face unique challenges brought on by their differences in cultural upbringing. Our cultural identity can include (but is not limited to) our gender, race, ethnicity, nationality, socioeconomic status, religion, and political affiliation. It also includes all of the messaging, both direct and indirect, we received in our families of origin. For example, what emotions were allowed to be expressed? Which ones weren’t? Was open conflict allowed, or were family members expected to resolve things on their own? Did family members say “I love you?” or was it assumed? Did family members say “I’m sorry,”or did they brush things under the rug? These things all constitute culture, and we are swimming in it everyday.
Each one of us is a complex amalgamation of our different beliefs, behaviors, and values, and it is no surprise that two people with unique histories will inevitably have to navigate their differences at some point. Here are just a few examples of conflicts in which issues of race and/or culture are likely relevant (if not at face value, then often underneath the surface):
Level of involvement/closeness with family (e.g., how to care for sick parents, how much to involve in-laws in decison-making, deciding where to live)
Parenting/disciplining children (e.g., whether to use physical punishment, balance between strictness/leniency)
Gender role expectations for each partner (e.g., who is the “breadwinner” vs. stay-at-home parent, views on egalitarianism)
Differences in expressing love/affection/intimacy (e.g., how much/who initiates sex, preferences for displays of affection)
How each partner behaves in conflict (e.g., avoid conflict, “fight it out” with high intensity)
Values and beliefs about money
Need for independence vs. interdependence
Our role is to help you explore and understand your conflicts for their deeper-seated meaning to each partner — what we like to say is that the fight about how to organize the kitchen cupboards is not really about the kitchen cupboards! While we may be tempted to persuade or convince our partner of our “rightness” and their “wrongness,” we are often missing the crucial step of true curiosity and understanding. We will help you approach your conflicts in an inquisitive, nuanced way that is more likely to lead to an increased capacity for problem-solving and intimacy between the two of you.