Work is deeply intertwined with our sense of identity. Yet, when it becomes intertwined with our worth it can take on a very different sort of dimension. Although work usually necessitates some time away from family, for both men and women it can often mean sacrificing connection, belonging, and our mental health. To let it get to such a point, modern day workers frequently unconsciously adopt and internalize sociocultural, familial, and workplace messages regarding the value of work devotion. Because these messages are outside even our own awareness, we may end up ignoring and disavowing what we truly know about our emotional needs. This can be for days, weeks, or our entire careers. It is a sort of collective insanity of modern day working adults.

While it has hard to fully capture such an enormous cultural ethos of work, the process itself ends up looking triangular, where while what we really want is acceptance, love, and worthiness, we learn that we must go through a secondary process—achievement, money, and social standing—in order to get it. This sort triangulation with our workplace leads to a very nefarious love affair. Not only does achievement or money never deliver worthiness, but the connection we desire is already freely available to us—we simply must learn to access it. When we better recognize the conditions of worth our careers may place on us, we can come to experience what we so deeply crave through work in the simple joy of taking our dog on a walk or speaking to a close friend.

Of course, this triangle also gets superimposed on family systems. Not only might you adopt these beliefs but so too might your parents and siblings, such that, even if you were to wish to move toward direct connection, your family may feel uncomfortable doing so. Instead, we may even get reprimanded or rebuffed for being open and vulnerable about our needs; only cementing the idea that connection and worth must be earned. This dynamic is particularly salient between males, as in the case of fathers and sons, though it can affect anyone. This dynamic is also at the root of workaholism, a condition affecting approximately 10% of US adults (Sussman et al., 2011). Unfortunatley, work addiction is the most celebrated addiction in the world (Reiner, 2015)

Now, don’t get me wrong, work is necessary for survival. It can and should play an integral role in our day-to-day lives. But, it should never be a stand in for our worth. Work was never meant for this, nor can it substitute in this role. Work is meant for production and satisfying our basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing. It was never meant to satisfy our basic need to be seen or feel worthy. This can only be done in the context of a caring, present relationship with another.

What does work mean to you? Does it feel like more than just work at times? It can be extremely hard to step away from the unconscious forces of family and society. A caring professional can help.