Is Secure Attachment the Missing Ingredient in Mindful Detachment?

Mindfulness has gained significant traction in recent years, both as a popular practice and a core component of modern, third-wave cognitive behavioral therapies (Hayes, 2004). Rooted in Buddhist, Vedic, Jainist, and Greek philosophies, mindfulness encourages us to observe our thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and bodily sensations without judgment. Mindfulness presupposes a capacity to observe internal sensations without becoming overwhelmed or mired in them. It asks us to fully engage with the biggest, most painful parts of our own experience as if it were a welcome guest. How in the world could we develop such a capacity? Is it by getting further distance from these sensations in order to observe them from afar, or is it, counterintuitively, to get as close as to them as possible? In a way, to love them like a parent loves a child? Though it may seem paradoxical, attachment science, affective neuroscience, and even mindful traditions themselves support the idea that secure attachment is the missing ingredient in mindful detachment.

Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby, posits that secure attachment forms the foundation for healthy emotional and psychological development. When we feel securely attached, we explore the world with curiosity and openness, knowing we have a safe base to return to (Bowlby, 1988). This sense of security allows us to engage not only with the outside world without being overwhelmed, but to engage with our own inner experiences, thoughts, and emotions non-reactively. Research shows that secure attachments in early life lead to better emotional regulation and resilience in adulthood (Ainsworth et al., 1978). The sense of security provided by close relationships enables individuals to be more open and less judgmental about their experiences, observing them like a secure parent might a frightened, excited, angry, or saddened child. In a world of felt security, all thoughts, feelings, and sensations can come and go with curiosity and kindness.

Affective neuroscience further emphasizes how human beings are relational creatures first and cognitive ones second, and that our neural networks thrive on social interaction. These interactions are crucial to regulating our perceptions and creating a felt sense of belonging and equanimity (Coan et al., 2006). Studies continue to highlight the role of the brain's social networks in emotional regulation. For instance, supportive relationships activate neural circuits associated with positive emotions and reduce the activation of stress-related regions in the brain (Eisenberger & Lieberman, 2004). This neural support system underpins our ability to remain present and nonjudgmental, even in challenging situations or in the face of distressing thoughts and feelings. While mindfulness is thus an apparently cognitive process, it is likely only possible when we have addressed our relational needs.

Mindfulness traditions themselves don’t necessarily contradict this point. Early Buddhist and Vedic thinkers emphasized the notion that all things are interconnected and that we are not separate from others or the world around us. Notions such as interbeing, co-extensiveness, “the illusion of self",” and nonduality all highlight this point (Lutz, Dunne, & Davidson, 2007). This interconnectedness is crucial for genuine mindfulness, as it fundamentally shapes the frame of our practice. Instead of meditation becoming an exercise in asserting ourselves or our centrality, beginning from a felt sense of connection with the world and others helps us more fully let go of our ego. In this way we can observe the outside world ad our inside world as not fundamentally distinct. Many spiritual leaders and philosophers even go so far as to suggest that there truly is no distinction between our being and the world (e.g. Nisargadatta Maharaj, Martin Heidegger). Additionally, studies on open awareness and oneness meditation practices, which help us let go of an object of attention to just follow our own unfolding experience, reinforce the notion that interconnection and nonjudgment are nearly synonymous (Dorjee, 2010).

While mindfulness thus encourages nonjudgmental awareness of our present moment experience, its full realization may depend on the secure connections we cultivate with others, which then are reflected in our practice. By ensuring we integrate a felt sense of security, either prior to or alongside our practice, we can prevent ourselves from feeling separate from the world and falling into the trap of mindfulness leading to dissociation or numbing, rather than the aliveness and loving acceptance that comes with secure attachment.