Not Attracted to Your Partner? Here's Why that Could be Good Thing for Your Relationship
Seeing your partner as unattractive is not a comfortable thing. Whether they are too needy, too messy, too rigid, too big, too thin, too tall, too short, too analytical, or too emotional, the list of potentially unattractive things about a person goes on and on. When were in the midst of such thoughts, we may be entirely bought into them as reality, and, in a way, comfortable with the discomfort of having a “not enough” partner. Yet, if we stay with such thoughts in a real way for very long, they become seriously alarming. What does it mean to commit to, to attach to, someone who is not enough for the long term? Terrifying! Saddening. It can make us question our entire relationship and ourselves. It can make us feel a so not so quiet desperation to change them or to get out all together.
But what if this unsettling experience wasn’t a red flag, but a signal—a deeper emotional cue that desperately asks us to reconnect to ourselves and our partner, not change them or ourselves?
It is my experience that a lack of attraction is a signal. When we’re disconnected emotionally, it's easy to mistake it for lack of attraction. Our minds try to rationalize this distance, making us think the problem is physical or superficial when it’s really about a loss of intimacy, shared joy, or even a loss of connection with ourselves.
Reacting to these thoughts by judging yourself or your partner—whether it’s thinking, “How could I be so shallow?” or wanting to change your partner—only deepens this disconnection. In reality, these thoughts are often a plea for emotional reconnection. The feeling of attraction is closely tied to how connected we feel emotionally, so when that connection falters, it’s natural for physical attraction to wane too (Birnbaum & Finkel, 2015).
Rather than fixating on the thought that you “should” be more attracted, try tuning into the emotions behind it. You may discover a deeper sense of grief or longing for intimacy. When we pause to explore these emotions, we open a path to genuine reconnection. This is where real growth begins: not in trying to force attraction, but in exploring the emotional disconnection that’s begging for attention.
The discomfort you’re feeling isn’t a sign that the relationship is over—it’s an opportunity to communicate with your partner. Instead of retreating, consider turning towards them and asking, “Can you hold this with me? Can you help me figure out how we can reconnect?” Vulnerability in these moments is the foundation for rekindling intimacy in long-term relationship (Reis & Shaver, 2018). In fact, emotional intimacy, the key to sexual and all forms of intimacy in long-term relationships, is exactly about turning toward our partner in times of disconnection and distress. If we are not turning toward our partner in such a profoundly painful and disconnecting moment as not feeling attracted, no wonder we don’t feel loving toward them!
Disconnection as a Teacher
Feeling disconnected from your partner is undoubtedly painful, but it can also be a profound teacher. Disconnection often highlights unmet emotional needs, like the desire for emotional safety, passion, or a sense of belonging. These aren’t issues fixed by changing appearances or superficial behaviors; they require deep emotional work and reconnection. When we experience this emotional distance, it’s important not to engage in self-blame or to treat our thoughts as absolute truths. Instead, look inward and ask, “What am I really feeling?” Am I lonely? Longing for excitement or spontaneity? Am I experiencing my own sense of inadequacy and need to know I’m enough? Naming these emotions gives you the insight needed to address the root issue.
If you find yourself feeling less attracted to your partner, use it as an opportunity for reflection:
What thoughts arise when I feel this way? Recognize if you're engaging in judgment toward yourself or your partner, and try to release the need to act on these thoughts.
What emotions are beneath these thoughts? If you really deepen the lack of intimacy you are feeling, what comes up for you? Does it bring sadness, fear, or disappointment? Allow yourself to sit with these emotions without needing to immediately fix them.
What longings are these deeper emotions highlighting? Perhaps you're missing the sense of connection or spontaneity that used to be present. Perhaps you’re scared about what being attached to them “forever” would imply and long to know that you’re already enough for them.
Can I turn toward my partner for support? Instead of withdrawing, try sharing your experience in a way that invites emotional closeness. Vulnerability breeds connection, not judgment.
Vulnerability as the Key to Reconnection
One of the most powerful ways to reignite attraction is through emotional vulnerability. When we allow ourselves to be seen and heard in our emotional needs, we create space for intimacy to grow. Rather than focusing on physical attraction, it’s the emotional connection that matters most. Many couples find that the discomfort they once experienced becomes a bridge to deeper understanding and connection when approached with openness and compassion. So, the next time you question your attraction to your partner, consider this: it’s not a verdict on your relationship, but rather an invitation to explore what’s happening beneath the surface. By staying present with these emotions and sharing them (rather than surface level criticisms of yourself or your partner), you might find that the discomfort you feared was the beginning of a deeper, more meaningful connection than ever before.