When Boundaries Backfire
Boundaries are essential for survival in unsafe environments. In abusive workplaces or volatile family dynamics, setting firm limits can be the difference between emotional burnout and well-being. But what happens when boundaries, meant to keep us safe, start becoming barriers to connection? How do we know when the walls we build to protect ourselves from harm are also isolating us from authentic, safe relationships?
In toxic work environments, where emotional manipulation or relentless criticism prevail, boundaries act as a shield. Employees set limits—refusing after-hours emails, avoiding toxic colleagues, or keeping personal matters private—to protect their mental health. Research suggests that setting these boundaries (sometimes called “psychological detachment”) improves well-being and prevents burnout, particularly in high-stress environments (Sonnentag, 2018). However, when taken to an extreme, boundaries can also cut off opportunities for support. If we disengage entirely from colleagues out of self-protection, we may lose access to relationships that could make the workplace more bearable (Halbesleben, 2006).
Similarly, in families with volatile or emotionally abusive dynamics, strict boundaries can be necessary. When trust has been repeatedly violated, people often establish firm emotional or physical distance as a survival mechanism. In some cases, estrangement is the healthiest option (Carr et al., 2015). However, when these protective walls become rigid, they can prevent meaningful repair—even in relationships where change is possible. If every instance of pain leads to complete withdrawal, we may reinforce the belief that vulnerability itself is dangerous, limiting connection even with those who are capable of safe relating (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
While boundaries protect us from harm, they should not become a substitute for deeper emotional work. If every moment of discomfort leads to immediate withdrawal, boundaries may be functioning as avoidance rather than true self-protection. Avoiding discomfort—rather than facing and processing it—can reinforce anxiety and relational distress over time (Aldao et al., 2010).
If you’re unsure about whether a boundary is serving instead as a barrier, consider these examples:
You’re at dinner with a close friend when they make an offhand comment about your recent breakup—something sharp and dismissive that stings more than they realize. Instead of saying, “That really hurt,” you glare at them and say, “You can’t talk to me like that. If you can’t be respectful, I don’t want to hear from you again.” The boundary—demanding respect—sets a clear limit, but it also shuts down any possibility for deeper conversation or repair. Instead of letting them know they’ve hurt you, you assert control through anger, keeping your real feelings hidden.
A sibling forgets your birthday for the third year in a row. You tell yourself, “I don’t need this kind of relationship,” and block their number without ever sharing how it made you feel. The boundary protects you from further disappointment, but it also ensures they never get the opportunity to show up differently.
Your boss publicly criticizes your work in a meeting. Humiliated, you decide, “I’m done.” You stop speaking in meetings, avoid eye contact in the hallway, and isolate yourself from the only coworker who has always had your back. The boundary shields you from further embarrassment, but it also keeps you stuck, silent, and disconnected from potential allies.
In each case, the boundary may prevent further harm but also eliminates the possibility of repair, deeper understanding, or transformation. Over time, avoidance-based boundaries can leave us feeling lonely and disconnected. Healthy boundaries come from a place of clarity and self-worth. They help you protect your well-being without needing to control or punish the other person. If a friend makes a hurtful comment, a self-respecting boundary sounds like: “That really stung. I need some space, but I’d like to talk about it when I’m ready.”
Avoidant or reactive boundaries feel urgent, defensive, or controlling. Instead of expressing vulnerability, they often manifest as anger, shutdown, or rigid ultimatums. Saying, “You can’t talk to me that way. If you can’t be respectful, I don’t want to hear from you again,” might seem like self-protection, but it prevents the other person from understanding how they hurt you and eliminates the chance for repair. Protective boundaries create clarity without cutting off communication entirely (unless safety requires it). Instead of disappearing after feeling hurt, you might say: “I was really upset by what you said. It’s important to me that you understand my experience here.” Or, if even after expressing the hurt you receive only further criticism, you might say: “I’m stepping away because this isn’t productive, but I’m open to talking later if things shift.” This boundary protects your emotions but also keeps the door open for resolution.
Avoidant boundaries shut down connection entirely without giving the other person insight into what went wrong. Blocking your sibling after repeated disappointments might feel like relief in the moment, but if the pain is coming from unmet expectations rather than true harm, cutting them off eliminates any chance for them to show up differently.
If you suspect your boundaries are more about avoidance than true self-care, consider these steps:
Acknowledge the Fear: Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of right now?” Fear often drives avoidant boundaries. Recognizing this can help you approach the situation with curiosity rather than retreating into emotional shutdown (Gilbert, 2010).
Explore Fear Instead of Blocking It: Painful experiences often trigger the instinct to protect ourselves. But instead of immediately withdrawing, consider what’s underneath the discomfort. Are you afraid of rejection? Of being hurt again? Research shows that staying with vulnerable emotions in safe relationships strengthens intimacy and emotional resilience (Johnson, 2019).
Open the Door to Healthy Communication Instead of Closing Off: Boundaries should clarify—not confuse. Instead of disappearing, try expressing the ways you are willing to engage instead of the fact that you are not willing to engage. For example, "That comment hurt me, and I need some time to process before we talk again." Or, to be even more specific about how you are willing to interact, you might say ‘‘I won’t engage in a conversation where I’m being interrupted or yelled at, but I’m happy to talk when we can both listen to each other,” or “I won’t engage in discussions about my body. If you can respect that, I’m happy to continue our relationship.’
Boundaries are essential, especially in environments that are truly unsafe. But they are not the goal—they are a tool. If we hold too tightly to rigid boundaries, we risk isolating ourselves from the very relationships that could foster healing and growth. The challenge is to balance protection with openness, ensuring that the walls we build for safety do not also become prisons of disconnection.