The Inherent Fragility of Success

The world seems to revere high performers, entrepreneurs, leaders, and change-makers. Yet, many of the most successful people face deep-rooted insecurities. The unspoken truth for many high performers is this: if my self-perception depends on my success, who am I when I fail?

The Fragile Self

There is a stark contrast between the compulsion to succeed and the genuine pursuit of values and passions. When our notion of selfhood depends on external markers of success—be it a high profile job or a large following on social media—every move we make holds a potential threat. If our worth is constantly on the line in every e-mail, conversation, meeting, or exchange, each thing we do or do not do holds an incredible intensity and the looming shadow of failure. This sort of tension robs us of the capacity to freely choose any action. Instead, we are driven by a constant state of fear. The culture of revering achievement has little room for such fear. Instead, it shrugs its shoulders and says that this incredible internal turmoil is ours to manage. What matters, it says, is not how we feel but that we can look around and look inside and see crisp visions of achievement.

When our selfhood or identity is contingent on our success in this way, we are constantly in a state of literal life or death. If psychological integrity is entirely contingent on succeeding in our endeavors, failure is the equivalent of death (Siegel, 2012). It seems that the trend to revere high performers and castigate averageness only continues. A greater number of people than ever before report perceiving others as more demanding of them, being more demanding of themselves, and in turn being more demanding of others (Curran & Hill, 2016). This is the dark side of success culture—the very thing that endeavors to make us extraordinary makes us deeply, terribly vulnerable.

The Liberation of Self-Acceptance: Freedom from the Success Trap

Breaking free from the success trap involves developing a sense of self-worth that isn't dependent on outcomes. This is of course tough to do when every waking moment must be utilized to its maximum potential! Instead, we must challenge ourselves to do the very thing which seems to risk the most; embrace our own feelings of inadequacy. Embracing our vulnerability, as popularized by Brené Brown, means recognizing that failure, imperfection, and insecurity are human. By allowing ourselves the possibility of failure without rejecting ourselves, we can build resilience and maintain our sense of worth even when we stumble (Brown, 2012).

This is much easier said than done. If we have lived within the success trap for long enough, even our very idea of “wanting” can be simply code or a stand-in for success. Distinguishing the difference between wanting something and obliged to do it necessitates touching into how we feel when we say the word want. If I “want” to get up early and exercise each morning, but find myself dreading it and never doing it, do I want this thing at all? Or, alternatively, is it a contingency of my self worth? That is, if I struggle to do something that I supposedly want, it is likely that it is not freely chosen from a place of inherent worth, but a demand or criteria of my own goodness. Perhaps it is even the case that at some point I did truly, freely choose to pursue getting up early and exercising. And yet, at least in this moment, it has become a contingency for self-acceptance and a wall between me and my own goodness.

The irony is that when we detach our worth from our success, we often find ourselves more passionate, engaged, and creative in our pursuits. Of course it is true that when the brain is freed from the life or death struggle of failure or success it can engage more deeply in problem-solving and innovation!

Being successful in the world is of course a nice thing to experience, and there’s no need to judge ourselves for celebrating achievements or liking ourselves when we appear successful. And yet, if we can turn away from needing to be successful to be worthy of attention and care, we can free ourselves from endless, repetitive, tiring cycles. It is only in this way that we can stop endlessly running from failure and start authentically pursuing our values and goals. It is only in this way that we can be truly to live at all.