When Connection Fails, Control Prevails

You’re running late, the kids aren’t ready, and your partner is glued to their phone. You barely manage to suppress the urge to shout “WE’VE GOT TO GO!” In moments like these, asserting control seems like the only way to avoid chaos. But why do we feel this urge to take control when it so rarely works, and what might be going on beneath our own veneer of cold expectation?

The Illusion of Stability Through Control

Controlling behavior often feels like a way to create order in an unpredictable world. Whether it’s micromanaging our own schedule, setting rigid expectations for others, or trying to get loved one’s to stop feeling or acting a certain way, we use control to grasp at stability. But beneath the surface, this need for control masks our own internal world of disconnection. Research shows that controlling behaviors often arise when we feel emotionally distant from the world around us. If our early life experiences have taught us that there’s no easy or direct route back to reconnection in such moments, defensive, controlling behaviors can seem like the only option available (Lyons-Ruth, 2003).

Unfortunately the irony is clear. Imagine in the above situation you give into the urge to shout and demand the family jump to action. While this might help us regulate or even feel more in control in the moment, these actions usually push others away. The more one partner exerts control, the more the other pulls back, creating a cycle where control leads to further disconnection.

From Control to Connection: Embracing Vulnerability

Moving from control to vulnerability is difficult. It means confronting our insecurities and fears. However, vulnerability is the key to bridging emotional gaps caused by attachment insecurities (Fonagy, 2004). True stability is built not through control but through openness and emotional risk. The challenge lies in giving up the need to "fix" or manage others. Embracing vulnerability means accepting uncertainty and trusting the process of emotional connection. Control may feel safer, but it can never foster the genuine intimacy we need. When we express our vulnerability and communicate our needs, we build deeper, more meaningful bonds. It is these bonds that carry us through high pressure moments; not a fleeting sense of control or mastery.

Breaking the Cycle

The next time you feel the urge to control—whether it’s reminding your partner of something or rushing your kids—pause. Ask yourself: What am I really seeking? Is it control or connection? Often, beneath the impulse to control is a desire for safety. In these moments, we have a choice. Instead of demanding compliance, we can express our own emotions and needs. This is precisely the shift that invites connection and creates inner and outer safety and stability.